We, the new owners of the home in which you reside, write to introduce ourselves and talk a bit about our future plans for your places of residence (namely the laundry area and third bedroom of our house). After much discussion, hair-tearing, and budgeting, we have reluctantly decided to allow you-- at least some of you-- to stay.
We do have our concerns about you, however. First, you've been living here rent-free since, what? 1970? And I think you'd have to agree that you've done little to improve the residence. You're riddled with enormous unfillable knotholes. You've made no attempt whatsoever to get along with the tenants in the rest of the house (Original Plaster in the living and dining rooms and Halfway-Decent Drywall Job everywhere else). There is neither wallboard nor insulation behind you, which-- we concede-- is not your fault, but you should at least take responsibility for absorbing all of the light in our windowless laundry room. And your friends in there-- i.e., Bare Light Bulb dangling from Acoustical Tile Ceilings, Weird Doorless Closets, Ripped Linoleum Floors, and Vinyl Cove Base-- must also share some of the blame for making the room look like a horror-movie torture space (or, at best, a classroom in a terrifying elementary school). Admit it-- it's bad.
We are prepared to support our case with photographic evidence. This is what you looked like when we first saw you, buried under mounds of The Tenant's stuff:
Storage closet in laundry area.
Right-hand side of laundry room, with two odd closets.
To be honest, our fondest dream was to evict you immediately and completely. Unfortunately, due to the astronomical difficulty of DIY-drywalling a ceiling and walls in such a tiny space and the ridiculous cost of hiring a contractor to do it for us, we've determined that we must permit you to renew your lease for at least another year. We will, however, be renegotiating its terms. In fact, we have already begun to proceed with some changes we're sure you'll agree to.
I refer to the five (count 'em-- FIVE) coats of paint I've already applied to you in the laundry room. While you still look pretty horrible due to the aforementioned knotholes (which cannot be filled because there is nothing behind you), at least the laundry room no longer resembles a shiny black hole. And you've surely noticed that your dirty yellow vinyl cove has also been painted and will be permitted to remain until we gather the wherewithal to apply actual baseboard.
Further, you must have become aware of your new roommate, a sheetrock wall which replaced the several ill-fitting pieces of plywood to which the fuse box was precariously attached (we will provide photos shortly). Please thank my father for helping me install it when next you see him.
Here you are in your present state, peacefully cohabiting with our new washer and dryer (thanks to the generosity of my sister and brother-in-law!):
Storage area now-- soon to get a curtain to cover up all of our tools. Just so you know, there are 6 coats of trim paint on that door.
Same view as second photo above. See the huge knotholes? Sigh. Still, much better, right?
Soon your pal Acoustical Tile Ceiling will be removed and replaced with drywall, pending an asbestos test-- at which time we will also be replacing Bare Bulb dangling overhead. And the Weird Doorless Closet that we have half ripped out will be completely demo'ed pending some professional structural examination-- to the untrained eye its framing would seem to be supporting a few attic joists that would otherwise be floating in air.
Please await further correspondence from us soon.
Thanks for your cooperation in these matters and all future changes to your lease agreement,
Your landlords.
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